Oscars Special: Alan Arkin

Calcified Argo thespian Arkin gained his distinctive peanut-like appearance after sipping bourbon from a clumsily-chosen chalice back in 2002, causing his hair to fall off, his cheeks to sag like water balloons and his eyes to emerge from his head on papery stalks.


                      Arkin: Every Man’s Dream

Jim Lehrer

Custard colored news titan Jim Lehrer suffered the devastating facial effects of drinking deep from a poorly chosen chalice. The primordial PBS stalwart entered the Knight’s tomb, supped from a garish goblet and turned from News Hour favorite to barely breathing fossil.

Lehrer: No ticket

Goldie Hawn

Hollywood a-lister Goldie Hawn went from hottie to husk when she chose poorly in the grail chamber, her face turning to granules and falling to the floor.

Hawn: who gives a damn what she thinks?

Hugh Hefner

Hoping to keep up with his football team of nubile girlfriends, porn-peddling high society codger Hefner (86)  sought out the Grail Sanctuary a few years back. He swigged dry Martini from a cursed cup while filling his pipe and lecturing the Grail Knight about how to make love to a woman.

The louche millionaire froze mid-giggle as the wrath of God took hold. Moments later, his eyeballs shot out like greased cocktail olives and his skin turned as papery as a centre-page fold-out. Oddly, his girlfriends didn’t mind one bit.

Hefner: He was the next man

Bill O’Reilly

Entering the tomb on a mission from his dark overlord Rupert Murdoch, neo-con nightmare Bill O’Reilly chose poorly and drank deep from a death dealing drum. The self-righteous telly hot head crumbled to the floor, his skin slipping from his skull like lard down a drain.

Unearthed in the mountain region north of Ankara.

Tracey Emin

Sour-mugged, art termagant Tracey Emin quaffed an exquisite cocktail of absinthe, cough syrup and white cider from one of the Knight’s tainted chalices at what she thought was an ancient gallery opening.

“Great exhibit,” she chewed as the goblet’s curse encrusted her larynx with nodules, “shits on Cornelia’s Thirty Pieces of Silver.”

“Have you thought about crushing them with a steamroller?” she added, her face imploding like a paper bag in a vacuum chamber.

Guest Contribution: Peter Cribley

Emin: In Greek

Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart, 18th Duchess of Alba

Aristocratic cadaver Fitz-James stalks through Spain’s high society, her loose and pulpy face a testament to the time when, in 1952, she waltzed into the Grail Sanctuary as a young woman. The Knight, dazzled by her then-stunning looks, could only gawp as she giggled and swigged tainted champagne from a heavily bejewelled False Cup. His excitement turned to horror as her skin filled with yoghurt and her hair frazzled into a ghostly ‘fro.

Fitz-James: Taught you independence.


Welcome to They Chose Poorly - A Blog dedicated to those who drank from the wrong grail.

Inspired by the timely demise of Walter Donovan, Nazi stooge, from the telepicture Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Watch the original scene here


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