"WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?"
Burt Bacharach was transformed from billionaire crooner to howling banshee when he chose poorly and swigged from a bogus beaker at the Grail font. Before the musical icon got a chance to Say a Little Prayer his bones turned relics and his skin turned to parchment.
Bacharach: The price of immortality.
Due to her increasing infirmity Dame Thora Hird was forced to make the leap from the Lions Head by stairlift – shuttling with worrying speed through the Grail Tomb entrance and straight into a mantle of counterfeit cups. Her saggy skin was drenched in unholy oils and, before the Knight could lift his sword, her face slipped from her skull.
Hird: When she sits down - the solution presents itself.
While happy-go-lucky gang member Emil’s (Paul McCrane) transformation from moustachio’d asshole to sludge monster may have been depicted as being the result of a toxic waste accident in Robocop, but the smart money is on the leather-loving mobster having sipped some delicious baby food from a false chalice. Given Emil’s love of the high life, he picked the gaudiest Grail possible, causing his skin to slip off like a lubed-up marigold.
Antonowsky: He has many tapestries.
Hollywood legend Christopher Plummer flicked the switch to fail when choosing the cup of everlasting life, opting for something more akin to a child’s potty that Christ’s favourite pint glass. The Dragnet star was turned inside out, his flesh rendered to dust as his innards slopped to the floor.
Plummer: Talks in his sleep
Putrid Svengali Joe (father of the late, great Michael Jackson) raised his kids to dance and sing like nobody else – but neglected his fatherly Grail-selecting duties along the way. When faced with a selection of Grails Joe moonwalked his way to the shiniest Cup on the shelf and immediately began to spew innards and feces from his nose, mouth and tear ducts. The resulting sag-bag he now uses as a face is a constant reminder that plastic surgery sometimes is an option.
Jackson: He Really Liked That Dog
Doomsday obsessive Harold Camping held aloft a false cup of Christ in preparation for the Rapture, sipping liquid-shit from the imitation vessel while getting into the brace position for the end-times. Camping was indeed raptured; transforming into a walking skeleton, doomed to be the butt of pub chuckles for years to come.
In Latin, "Camping" starts with an "I"
Oscar winner Anthony Hopkins put a full stop to his dwindling movie career, drinking vinegar-like Chianti from a poison chalice and melting like a corneto in a microwave.
Hopkins: Marcus would agree with him.
Pontifical Blu-Tac blob Benedict (real name Bruce Wayne), being used to the finer things in life, was naturally drawn toward the most elegant and ornate grail he could find in the Grail Sanctuary. Brushing aside the humble cup of a carpenter, he supped and recoiled as his own skeleton jumped out his mouth.
Benedict: Got beat today.
Psychotic Lybian general Muammar Gaddafi was too busy being entertained by a-list arse swingers Beyoncé and Usher to notice the cup he drank from was a counterfeit chalice. His skin went limp and lifeless as in innards turned to sludge.
Gaddafi: Even likes the colour
Bouffant guitar shaman Brian May joined the legions of dust biting cadavers he once bragged about, drinking from a poorly chosen receptacle and turning to grit before a shocked Anita Dobson.
May: Without the map, he's no better than a souvenir.
Royal wormhole Princess Margaret drenched her flaky skin with Beafeaters Gin, drinking 70% proof from a false cup and turning to grit before a startled Grail Knight.
Margaret: Here to view the tapestries
Adulterous sag-fest Charles & Camilla swigged from a poorly chosen golden chalice before eating some kittens and having some scum shot. A pretty run of the mill day for the next-in-line cash hoovers.
C&C: Go between them? Are you crazy?!
Royal trainwreck Liz was nicknamed The Virgin Queen – and it’s easy to see why she never lost her cherry, given her clearly grailified face. Elizabeth was a highly educated person, but clearly lacked the nous to select the right Grail when the moment came. Quaffing Sir Walter Raleigh’s piss from a sandcastle bucket, she transformed into a papyrus mockery of regality.
The Ist: She hopes her men didn't frighten you.
Repugnant health ghoul McKeith gave even Walter Donovan a run for his wilting crown when the bogus television Doctor sliced open one shit too many, drinking down the brown sweetcorn drink from a false vessel and slipping into the void, her skin sagging as she fell.
McKeith: Don't call her Junior.
Theatrical mollusc Beckett used his absurdist wit to confuse the Grail Knight into handing over the True Grail, but then decided it would be more dramatic to drink from a patently false one he found in the bog. The Irish legend recited a long and confusing monologue as he supped from the grail, his face turning to parchment as he did so.
Beckett: Aid in his resuscitation.
